I"M UNDER A MASSIVE OF STRESS

Omgawd i have to blog like right now!
so after coming back from x'mas holiday, i've been in school for 2 weeks and here are what i've done and have to do:
1]Math coke can investigation
2]Art Natural forms class and final piece Reflections, final piece and the whole developmental 3]workbook
4]P.E dance performance
5]Chinese essay
6]Robert and a dog questions
7]Human trafficking oral presentation
8]Math test
9]Personal Project Essay DRAFT
10]P.E Dance unit reflection
11]Design Technology Educational toy investigation...
I am down with personal project written statement essay draft to hand in in this week which is basically tomorrow!

Then the next week, i'll have to hand in Rwanda Genocide essay and science magnetic lab report....
seriously i am quite stressed! Also because i am failing in math...i am so stressed that i think i dont even have enough time to revise math..So just now my sis was teachin me math cause i said i don't understand the ratio, scale, real life measurements etc but i wanted her to teach me on the weekend but then my mom was blabbin about i should let my sis teach me, how can you not know how to do, how can you hand in the homework tmr...and i literally cried, very clean tears, one by one they fall.
I mean my mom nor my sis understand the workload of a MYP STUDENT!They think that it's just like other ontario students or GCSE students that doesn't need to do so much homework.

I mean i am myself...i am slow and procrastinates..i admit it's my problem but i am trying very hard to change that terrible personality. Seriously, tHey don't even know and understand who i am. They don't know what i do, what i think, or the fact that i am depressed(my depression is not like periods that each teen goes through, i am literally depressed in which it may last years or it's already been two years or perhaps more than two years* and the fact that i am freakin emo.

Therefore now that i am 16, i started to refuse them from getting into my heart and allowing them to know me better..it's useless..cause they will never understand and will never think in my shoes, they only believe in what they say and think. So i am now tired of arguing with them...No more.i had ENOUGH! ALso they never view my personal problem as anything important and i mean it.
i as a kid (8-10years old) was actually quite suicidal. I had the intention of killing myself in various ways most likely learnt from tv... i often had my head out of the window ready to fall...i once told my parents that i want to die... obviously they scold at me..talked about my problems for one night ...and ever since they never mention about it and really i think they even forgot about it as they are quite the busy ppl themselves..
If i ever tell them that i am still suicidal...my mom and sis will probably explode..get all furious..throw stuff at me...yell at me...pull my hair...blabbing about how much money they wasted on me... how why did they put me into a better school and all...

REgarding the paragraph above.... this is what i really want to say to my parent...i am grateful that u put me into a prestigious school and giving me a better environment than we are supposed to be...however putting me into a prestigious school means nothing.... no one teaches me on what i need to do and no one tutors me to get better... I've been living with u all for 16 years...do u not understand the fact that i can't upgrade or improve by myself?...HOw do u expect me to do better in math, english and chinese when u didn't even help me improve these aspects when young...now that i am old enough to be independent...it's too late, all my classmates have tutors...all the top students have tutorS! They tutor in almost all subjects.
as well as how do you expect me to be good in piano, flute, dance when i only learnt them for half a year and stopped learning. how do you expect me to keep on improving? i feel so ashame and useless for not being able to be good in any criteria...from the inside to the outside...from knowledge to appearance..nothing... nothing....feels like i better off not living as i am just a waste of resource and money moreover help killing the earth by using so many trees and creating carbon dioxide...why don''t i just return to the mother nature...i mean if i keep on going like this..i don't need a funeral...just burry me underground..let me return to the mother nature..i don't even need a tomb as no one really cares about me and no one will remember me. Which is quite sad..to be honest..

ok if i keep going on..i don't know how much i can type and when will i stop typing.

So my personal project written statement essay is a seriously important work i have to do in order to pass year.11...so i gotta stop writing and keep on working on the draft....

truly stressed out...



Topics considered to be talked about:
Awolnow "D Aido and Awol merged! COmeon Taiwanese ad western ppl, we can all get along, it's multi-cultural, so learn to accept!

╔═╦══╦═╗ PUT THIS ON YOUR PAGE
║╩╣║║║║║ IF YOU ARE OR SUPPORT
╚═╩╩╩╩═╝ EMOS

----///-\\\----If you have ever felt
---|||---|||---Alone
---|||---|||---Hated
---|||---|||---Suicidal
----\\\-///----Appathetic
-----\\///-----Depressed
------///\-----or
-----///\\\----just
----///--\\\---Feel in pain put this on your channel

What a day!
oNE PHYSIC test
One oral presentation...done!

In the contrary, i've got personal project 1st draft and p.e dance to be done before tomorrow-

At dinner time..i had Fish! Yes yummy fish...but i swallowed a fishbone! Y^Y! Cries for help.....

Today i missed the Student Union/vioces and Powerpuff's debate< they are electing to be the school's student council for making the school better etc and etc---

For some reason i feel very distant from everyone...everyone's reaction and faces today startles me...i sometimes feel that a frd or two of mine are getting further and further away from me........well..doesn't matter i guess.

Well i guess i better continue working on my personal project as i want the MYP CERT and move on to Year 12 next year!

Ooo!! xD before i post this! I've already joined a couple of manga scanaltion groups.

Current Situation:
Chibi : Translating
Mango: Test
Enigma: Going to translate
Endless Abyss: Nothing
A Willful Mouse: Nothing

<3

although i know that i need to edit the previous post a little but just realized that there are a lot of grammar mistakes.. But it's ok cause i rushed through all the posts XD
I am lying on my bed about to sleep worrying about my physic test and english oral presentation.. I haven't finished retiring yet so that's why i'm gonna retire tomorrow morning[sad thing is science is on the first lesson!]
The oral presentation...i just don't know how i am gonna fuck that up' i know i know , dainty won't do any helpx and brings the opposite effects but i'm vexing out my worries and angers here..
Well i better sleep soon since it's already 1 am.
One last thing is that i watched the ending of Phantom requim of the Phantom which lasten five mins and i cried a river.
The quote:
Who in the world can give me memories that i never had?
O here really one last thing. What is the thing or question or statement and or truth that makes you cry all the time?
As for me would be a question yet a statement i guess? It is: i don't want to die yet, i still want to see the future... The future of my grandgrandgrandgrandgrandgrand child: ... If i die i won't be able to see it, the advanced tech, the style, trend and people... I still want to live till 2126 2500 3000 etc.
My future seems so unclear... I should get some sleep now!
Nite

I feel like crying so badly! My heart is like the reflection of the dark, grey, cloudy sky from the rain drops. The raindrops are no ordinary rain but my tears and blood...
I am supposed to be studying for science test tomorrow but got attracted aw my phone! I find it very cute to be able to post blogs, goto facebook and read manga etc.
I actually have a oral presentation tmr. So i currently am feeling pressured to the point where i can't breathe! I'll continue this blog sooner or later...

Apparently i'm tired and worn out as i haven't slept for approximately 22 hours and i have a good reason for it. This is all due to today which is right now, is my first day back at school in 2010. I'm absolutely positive *not a hunch* that i will be late for school if i sleep at my sleeping time *12 to 3 am* or even earlier than that *10-11am*. Since i will definitely sleep over 12 hours resulting me a ABC form...
Therefore my head is aching so much and with my new upper helix pierce that burns if it slightly collide to something else.

Today is like a really bad day..i feel like i'm having a lot of karma.... i feel like passing out, sleeping, dead, sad(so sad that i wanted to cry.could be moodswing)...and last but not least...i'm IN PAIN!! PAIN!
Although it isn't any psychology pain but it's physical pain *i know it's redundant*
Again with my upper helix pierce...FOR CRISS SAKE ..... Currently having Design Technology...not long ago i was about to stand up to get my charger from my classmate and right at that time when i was in the process of standing straight,a classmate of mine walked straight forward and glide across my right ear and it hurt like fu*k**! Luckily it isn't burning nor the swollen area is getting bigger.........For the love of gawd! Please bless my piercing.

For no particular reason i feel like hitting someone...real bad.....i think i really need to sleep as i havent been sleeping for 27 hours already.....hmmm soudns like i'm bragging..or perhaps i am xD.....

I really Wonder...WHo am i talking to blogging here?
It's quite lonely...Being alone is like unavoidable...

New Year

..it's 2010.....supposedly i was gonna spend the new year alone with bailey's...but i ended up watching new york i love you...shouting new year to random strangers *i also yelled "you bitch" to a loacl girl who was rude..." and right now drinking... i don't really want to wake my frd up now cause she must be tired...but i might wake her up 10 mins later so that she gets at least 30 mins of sleep "3
i really am feeling depressed and sad..but ive been surpassing the feelings well...but at nights...nightmares and cries.....
anyways...having whiskeys and vodka helps drain my tiredness away and make me sleep well for a couple of hours...
it's really horrible that im one of those kids out there in the world who is unable to accept the reality...it's too fake and cruel...i just really can't stand it...
i swore to do better in everything..to study...to slim down...to be better at different stuff and to be different...but i full filled nothing... i had the ambition..the motivation but it never last long and i hated myself for it...
Right now im chugging down shots of whiskeys...kind of refreshing but it's actually harming my throat and kidney...moreover im only 16..illegal to drink in my country...however i have quite the tolerance..so...i was never drunk...
just blushes easily and feeling tired...

New year New resolutions?
bleh..as if that will really um...be of any help for me...im just a 3 minutes rush person...*another shot of whiskey"D yes im bragging haaha*...


apparently 5:28am...dozing off...*sleeping over at a frd's place*