I"M UNDER A MASSIVE OF STRESS

Omgawd i have to blog like right now!
so after coming back from x'mas holiday, i've been in school for 2 weeks and here are what i've done and have to do:
1]Math coke can investigation
2]Art Natural forms class and final piece Reflections, final piece and the whole developmental 3]workbook
4]P.E dance performance
5]Chinese essay
6]Robert and a dog questions
7]Human trafficking oral presentation
8]Math test
9]Personal Project Essay DRAFT
10]P.E Dance unit reflection
11]Design Technology Educational toy investigation...
I am down with personal project written statement essay draft to hand in in this week which is basically tomorrow!

Then the next week, i'll have to hand in Rwanda Genocide essay and science magnetic lab report....
seriously i am quite stressed! Also because i am failing in math...i am so stressed that i think i dont even have enough time to revise math..So just now my sis was teachin me math cause i said i don't understand the ratio, scale, real life measurements etc but i wanted her to teach me on the weekend but then my mom was blabbin about i should let my sis teach me, how can you not know how to do, how can you hand in the homework tmr...and i literally cried, very clean tears, one by one they fall.
I mean my mom nor my sis understand the workload of a MYP STUDENT!They think that it's just like other ontario students or GCSE students that doesn't need to do so much homework.

I mean i am myself...i am slow and procrastinates..i admit it's my problem but i am trying very hard to change that terrible personality. Seriously, tHey don't even know and understand who i am. They don't know what i do, what i think, or the fact that i am depressed(my depression is not like periods that each teen goes through, i am literally depressed in which it may last years or it's already been two years or perhaps more than two years* and the fact that i am freakin emo.

Therefore now that i am 16, i started to refuse them from getting into my heart and allowing them to know me better..it's useless..cause they will never understand and will never think in my shoes, they only believe in what they say and think. So i am now tired of arguing with them...No more.i had ENOUGH! ALso they never view my personal problem as anything important and i mean it.
i as a kid (8-10years old) was actually quite suicidal. I had the intention of killing myself in various ways most likely learnt from tv... i often had my head out of the window ready to fall...i once told my parents that i want to die... obviously they scold at me..talked about my problems for one night ...and ever since they never mention about it and really i think they even forgot about it as they are quite the busy ppl themselves..
If i ever tell them that i am still suicidal...my mom and sis will probably explode..get all furious..throw stuff at me...yell at me...pull my hair...blabbing about how much money they wasted on me... how why did they put me into a better school and all...

REgarding the paragraph above.... this is what i really want to say to my parent...i am grateful that u put me into a prestigious school and giving me a better environment than we are supposed to be...however putting me into a prestigious school means nothing.... no one teaches me on what i need to do and no one tutors me to get better... I've been living with u all for 16 years...do u not understand the fact that i can't upgrade or improve by myself?...HOw do u expect me to do better in math, english and chinese when u didn't even help me improve these aspects when young...now that i am old enough to be independent...it's too late, all my classmates have tutors...all the top students have tutorS! They tutor in almost all subjects.
as well as how do you expect me to be good in piano, flute, dance when i only learnt them for half a year and stopped learning. how do you expect me to keep on improving? i feel so ashame and useless for not being able to be good in any criteria...from the inside to the outside...from knowledge to appearance..nothing... nothing....feels like i better off not living as i am just a waste of resource and money moreover help killing the earth by using so many trees and creating carbon dioxide...why don''t i just return to the mother nature...i mean if i keep on going like this..i don't need a funeral...just burry me underground..let me return to the mother nature..i don't even need a tomb as no one really cares about me and no one will remember me. Which is quite sad..to be honest..

ok if i keep going on..i don't know how much i can type and when will i stop typing.

So my personal project written statement essay is a seriously important work i have to do in order to pass year.11...so i gotta stop writing and keep on working on the draft....

truly stressed out...



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Awolnow "D Aido and Awol merged! COmeon Taiwanese ad western ppl, we can all get along, it's multi-cultural, so learn to accept!