o my fucking life! How nice can you be!
This very morning (not very long ago) i knew i'd have bad luck today cause i received an omen of cutting my finger with a pin.
I only thought that i would be scold by my personal project supervisor as i haven't edit anything!
But INSTEAD...i deleted my whole YEAR 11 folder! THings from 2009 to 2010! Photos, mangas, personal stuff, outside school stuff and wats more important my whole year 11 work! EVerything PFFFT GONE!!!!  i have eight subjects chinese english math science humanities DT Art  PE ..gone ..gone gone!
Now all i can do is to go to the technicians hoping that they can retrieve my files... IF they can't...I don't know what i am going to do.
I feel nothing..Nothing
absolutely nothing but i clearly know deep inside of me i'm in deep shit! I swear i'll blame myself for LIFE!!!!!

THaTS WHY I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE..IM BEING TOYED WITH...BY WHO...THE GOD,..

I had been trying to post blogs at night through my phone but i'm a kluz i always accidentally press the back button, that means all the things i typed in my phone are gone. I didn't plan to type again as it take a long time to, especially when it's  1 or 2 o'clock at midnight.

Now is 12:06am ...i am procrastinating again, i have to summarize my science info on advantage, disadvantage, research on public view, ethic and economic on the use of nuclear fission. Then i'll probably have 4 to 5 hours working on my MYP personal project written statement (my fourth draft).

science due thursday and PP due Friday...ahh gawd i am so stressed... now i procrastinates for no reason, even though i know how important pp is. Perhaps i'm too tired to keep on working anymore but i can't stop cause i don't have much time left...it;s like im at the edge of a cliff.

Since i know i'm not going to work for the while, i'll make it as efficient as possible which is typing this blog. For all i know now is that my dead serious depression is striking back at me. i was calm a week or two ago although depression was with me all the time. But it's not the same anymore...it's getting much worse than it was. The typical hopeless, helpless and despair are so tragic like that i feel so empty, useless, tired and causing me constant pain by the heart/chest and it's crushing me, affecting my motivations on doing IMPORTANT SCHOOL WORK and feel as though my surroundings black out, living in a blind world, don't know where to go, frighten, unable to seek help. By that i mean i have no friends or family who i can consult with and so i consult it with my only best frd; blog.
I feel like crying a waterfall but with the spies' eyes i can't. So i have to restrain myself from showing any emotion except for self blaming, rot until i attempt suicide.

Feel like nothing...i'm nothing...there's no need for me here. like a bird who doesn't suit it's environment  and lock in a cage. Wishing, wanting to be let free and go somewhere else hoping to find a new place where it wouldn't have such melancholy feelings but the feelings of freedom, happiness, a scent of sweet odor hindering in the air, sweet rose and irises smell, cool breeze like the new birth of spring.  All these imagination can run wild but in contract they are nothing but to deceive and divert oneself from the cruel reality.

Tomas Wells has such a sweet voice, i love his Valder Fields song a lot
:3

My mom came back from her trip today. She went for a few days and it was peaceful although I was quite shamed that i had been very lazy. 

Back to today she watched news on the television about how this teenage girl was killed while she was playing go kart. She warned me somehow about how dangerous it is and said I  should not play. I then replied saying everything have risks and I said I know that riding these vehicles can cause injuries from minor to serious. I also said that everything has risks (PS go kart and pedal kart are a bit different, I believe that go kart is a bit more dangerous) She was furious somehow, saying how everything is dangerous but I'm telling you to read the news and know what happened. 

I didn't say I'm not going to search on that news moreover she did not say it clearly that I should.  To be honest the death of the girl was caused by her very own mistake, wearing a scarf while riding on those fast vehicles! I mean and rider knows that they shouldn't be wearing anything dangling. 

She now says that "All I told you was to watch the news, is asking to watch the news stupid, you think that I am stupid because i told you to watch the news?" I mean like what the fuck I never said anything that implies she is an idiot. She thought all of these excuses and lies for god knows sake; her pride as an adult and a mom? She is so self-centered. 

Myself is a really emotionless human being except for watching and reading tv or some tragedy and or listening to music. I've never wanted to be very happy about everything. I am so so tired of pretending to be happy and interested in what the people surrounds me like. 

Now she blames that my sibling and I are to torture her after she and my dad divorced. She said that our father left us behind to stay with her and continue to ruin her life, make her miserable and   ruining her life.  And that i should live back with my father and my father wont promise us that I will be able to continue to study in an international school.  She also said that I’m just a dump, i=I have no value, no manner, no education. I’m so dumb, not elegant, bad academics, not being able to be good at anything. I better leave before I totally ruin her life. (All she did was sent me to an international school where there are less dangerous people, she says. But have she ever bring me to any learning center/ studio to learn instruments, to learn sports? Have she ever done those to make me more successful? NO! She thinks that i can handle myself and make myself the top in my grade ever since primary started! I think my parents were bad parents because they were so useless and unable to educate me, teach me and teach me how to behave. So I was really lazy and laid back through out my childhood although I wanted to become smart and study well but I was unable to, no one were there to motivate me. As a child as young as 5 or 6 years old I had the thought of suicide and crying at night. Why? Because I was suffering so much that no one would take notice of me. 

Back to the words she said to me, I wonder why these words that came from her mouth doesn't hurt me anymore, it doesn't even have a little effect on me cause all i thought of was to record down such an unknown event; coming back from her trip and suddenly scolding at us. 

Back to the point, i suppose the reason why I don't feel anything is because I’ve heard these heart wrecking sentences for so long for so many times, I think my heart is already blinded, broken. 

Wth, she mentioned that I was such a bad girl, is that how I respect her. I said that I don't take drugs, i don't smoke! How am I a bad girl? As far as I know, the meanings of bad girls are those girls who hang out at midnight doing all sorts of indecent things. Now she mumbles that what kin d of daughter am I? Did you receive any education, what sort of stuff have your teacher taught you? How can u say just because you don't take drugs and smokes doesn't indicates that you are a bad girl?! I don't mean that! I meant you not respecting your mom, not doing everything she says, fighting her back, arguing back is all the trait of a bad girl from a educated girl! What the hell, say it clearly, how am I supposed to understand what you mean when you don't indicate things clearly! All i can do is to relate back to our society. (Yes this paragraph is quite confusing, please forgive me) 

Basically, this family can never be happy cause not everyone knows how to understand and tolerate each another, we were never able to communicate nor give opinions. Once we have a feedback our head of the household aka mom would say how foolish we are, do we think that we are correct, we are just youngster who doesn't how this world works, you think I don't have work to do, you think I’ve never studied and all kind of things she possibly could think of that would shut our mouth. But truly, she doesn’t understand one bit, cause one obvious things is that we came from different era, she can’t possibly understand the work load and how everyone things. Moreover she was the flower/jewel of her school and never people admired and were fond of her but im different, I’m not like how you were.

She has always been the ruler of the house, we can never discuss anything as when the conversation reaches no more than ten sentences it would turn into a fight...it's pretty much useless no matter how much i want to change. 

The time now is 11:08pm (night time) February 17, 2010, You may think why i need to say the time, cause this is around the time when I realized that my mom had shut down the internet while i was typing this whole blog with all my heart and soul.  

I guess she shut the Internet because she thinks I’m playing msn messenger all the time. Now she is foolish, the Internet does not only limits to msn messenger that is just so stupid that I could laugh.  

My very own mom doesn't even know that i am a loner and is not fond of msn messengers (talking with friends). What more can i say. The more I say and talk about trouble, the more misfortune and myself I would bring upon my very existence. All I can do now is to study well, hopefully getting a full scholarship in Canada, then i could stay away from my family and begin my new life (although im gonna assume that it's going to be so tough that i could never imagine now, I think this way because i'm not even a scholar (secondary school), i'm just an average girl who is wasting their parents money to study in a better school, wasting papers and resources, killing the mother earth. Yes i'm pretty much useless, everyone could tell, no one would have confidence in me doing anything at all. In this world i don't even know if a role is given to me. Apart from saying significant roles, i don't think i am even playing a minor role. It's as if i'm just air, no a ghost( i guess this is the only description i could think of, but only if i were to know more vocabulary, i'd be much more literate.) which does not exist anywhere, does not belong to anywhere but is always bound to misery. 

I guess this is about it...for now...i've gotta do some homework and hopefully i'd get a lot of things done since im running out of time ( i pretty much wasted half of my holiday sleeping, eating and watching animes) 

i truly wonders if there will be anyone who'd read this long blog and so are my other blogs, as i believe they are all piece of illiterate junk of blogs who's owner wrote them to vent their anger, disappointment, sadness and grieve or worst trying to be an attention whore, being an internet legend jks. 

For some reason i've been thinking about vampires from England where they have all these old gothic castle and objects from the ancient England. I find them really pretty and elegant. Feels like one's heart is being drawn into another world, it might be a place with roses and gives one an antique feeling or a place or dimension with black swirl pool. And always, there would be a villain or whatsoever handsome/ good looking guy there to torture you or save you but in the end both of them will fall in love no matter what misfortune may occur to them and they will go through thin and thick just to be with each another side by side to laugh or to cry. 

Since i'm talking about vampire the girl actually carries vampire bloodline but instead that girl is one of the pureblood but who's existence had been erased from a long time ago since her true parents wanted to save her from villains.  Haha that would be a nice story<3  lol how did i end up telling a summary of a story i think of. It must be all those vampires television show and movies aka,twilight, newmoon and the vampire diaries. Fan fiction i guess XD  or actually i've been one of those girls who always dream of these stuff, a girl with super power or abnormal power and is taken away or learned about her own existence, the meaning of her life and such and a great deal of things happened. and always she leaves her current family cause she doesn't like them, doesn't feel happy at all. hmm..i think this is also an effect of watching animes too much XP.

Maybe i should tell you about one of my stories that i thought of a long time ago. 

a lot of them reveals my heart at that certain time, my emotions, my though and my desire. blahblah  

This is a really long journal, since I typed over 1742 words so I guess it's about time to stop. 

Hehe..hold on, I forgot to mention one funny thing, well I just heard of it, my mom told my sibling and I  that we should split the electricity fee!

Heihei i guess that's about it. 

bai and nite. 

Lonewolf-1

Who can comprehend the pain of a lone wolf.
Who knows what it feels like for there is no one for you in your life.
these aren't questions to be asked, these are statements. 


A Lone wolf is an average wolf who remains solitary, mostly average in many things, they are not mean, weak, smart, dumb, defenseless nor a fuck face yet why do they feel such criticism and isolation.


Whats their reason for being so depressed, for what, for who... They don't fail to understand to concept of life, however they do feel unjustice, unfair not only for themselves but many others who wonders the path.


FOr what reason did they become to like cloistered when they absolutely didn't want so initially.


Who can analyze such matter..,Why do they behave the way they do...Why are they such a rare specie...Why do others have prejudice for them as who they are.

O WHU'S TO BLAME?

O WHU'S TO BLAME?

O WHU'S TO BLAME?

FOR THOU COMMITTED A FATAL CRIME,

FOR THOU SHALL BE LOCKED UP IN THOUSAND YEARS ICE PRISON WITH A DIME,

FOR THOU WILL ENCOUNTER THE HARD RIME,

FOR THOU WOULD SUFFER LIKE THE GLIME,

FOR THOU BE CRUCIFIED IF NO LUCK WHEN PRIME,

FOR THOU NOT TO SHINE BUT PANTOMIME,

EVEN IF THE SAVIOUR SOUND RINGS BY THE CHIME ,

O THOU IS TO BLAME.

O PLEASE O PLEASE

O PLEASE O PLEASE
O PLEASE O PLEASE 
LET ME WORK IN A CORNER!
TEARS RUSHIN' OUT
EYES TURN CRIMSON,
ONE MIGHT THINK,
WHU'S CRYIN BLOOD!


MOON SHINE UPON MY BLOODED TEARS,
EXPOSING THE INENSE FEELING,
ONE'S GUTS TREMBLIN' AS THOUGH WILL SHATTER-
MY DESIRE TO KILL UPROARS AND FLOOD!


O PLEASE O PLEASE 
LET ME HIDE IN A CORNER ,
TO ALLOW ME FINSIH WHAT I MUST,
OR MY LIFE WILL BE LEFT IN A MISERY,
AND PAINS STRIKE UP TO A POOD!

FUCKING SHIT! I LOST AL MY AMBITION TO FINSIH MY PERSONAL PROJECT 22ND DRAFT! THANKS TO MY FUCKING SISTER AND MOM!
FUCK THEM!
IF POSSIBLE I WOULD LOVE TO SHED SOME BLOOD!

I SHALL CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF AT THIS MOMENT.I VOW THAT I'LL CHANGE.I SWEAR I WON'T BE THE SAME. THIS IS MY TESTAMENT! PLEASE LEND ME STRENGTH! I'LL PROVE YAWL WRONG! 

I AM SO FUCKING TRASHY! I HATE MYSELF!